


Something Something

by tuna_pasta_bake



Category: Nothing Much to Do
Genre: Adolescent Sexuality, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2015-05-05
Packaged: 2018-03-14 07:58:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3402923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuna_pasta_bake/pseuds/tuna_pasta_bake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pedro & Balth awkwardly attempt to navigate the wide & uncharted realms of teenage boy, emotional discomfort. Could something be changing between them?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Confidant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pedro needs a friendly ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set around 'Dear Benedick' in the NMTD timeline.

“Balth. Can I ask you something?”

Bathazar glanced up from the keyboard he’d been twiddling on for the past half an hour. They were supposed to be studying but he’d given Pedro free reign of his desk and was using it as an excuse not to do any work.

“That sounds rather ominous,” He said and began playing the theme tune from jaws.

Pedro laughed nervously. “Well, I was just thinking... you know how you’re- I mean, are you..? Ugh... no, never mind, ignore me. I’m talking crap.”

Balthazar had stopped playing and was looking at him with concern. This must be something important to make Pedro so inarticulate.

“Are you alright, mate?”

Pedro ran his hand through his hair and sighed. “Are you, er- are you gay?”

The words ebbed into every corner of the room and Pedro immediately regretted them when he saw the frozen, pained expression on Balth’s face.

“Just ‘cause, its fine, I mean, whatever I don’t mind,” he gabbled, backtracking, “not that that’s anything noble or anything, shit... and it’s none of my business and I’m not even asking about that but just, if you are then, I sort of thought... agh, wow I’m making a hash of this, just tell me to shut up. Shut up Pedro.”

Balth still looked stunned but seemed to have gathered himself slightly and shifted on the bed so that he was facing Pedro.

“Yeah, I think so.” He picked at his sleeves trying to appear nonchalant, “Wait, no. I am. I think it and therefore, I am it.” He grinned weakly, inwardly cringing. What a bad pun. What a weird evening.

“Oh, sure. Okay, great. Well, I sort of thought but you never said and I didn’t think it, you know, polite to ask but I just wanted to ask something and I don’t really know who else...” Pedro was babbling again.

It was true that Balth’s sexuality had always been a sort of polite taboo between the boys, one of those things they’d all assumed or heard nasty rumours about but never really broached, because why the hell would you bring up something personal and emotional when you could be playing football or Grand Theft Auto? Crushes were only discussed if they were sure to provide some entertaining banter but deep discussions about feelings had never really been on the approved list of bro activities, that was, until now.

Once Pedro had trailed off Balthazar attempted to relieve some of the awkwardness.

“You mentioned wanting to ask me something? I mean twice actually, so is _this_ something the something or the follow up something? Or was the first something just pre-empting the actual something. Or something.”

Pedro grinned, “The latter.”

“Go on then. This better not be something weird, mind you.”

“No, god no! Just...How did you know?”

This was not what he’d been expecting at all and Pedro took his look of surprise as cause for explanation.

“Listen, Balth. You really don’t have to tell me. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Honestly, I’m just intrigued as to how people figure it out, I guess.” He took a deep breath. “Because I think I might, err, you know, like guys. In some capacity. Maybe. Yeah...”

If Balthazar hadn’t been so tense from the previous line of questioning he would probably have fallen off his bed. As it was he just widened his eyes slightly.

It wasn’t as though he was surprised, per say, there’d always been a quiet subtext with Pedro; the way he held eye contact for just a moment longer than was necessary, his friendly disregard for Balth’s personal space and the small, troubled frown that often followed a glance at an attractive stranger. But he was always dating girls, or at least, talking about dating girls, loudly voicing his opinions on girls his friends should date or celebrities he thought were hot. If you didn’t know what to look for Pedro seemed undoubtedly heterosexual. What shocked Balthazar was the extent of Pedro’s self reflection. He had never expected Pedro to have actually thought about the possibility of not being straight, let alone considering it to such a degree that he could admit it to himself.

“Oh. Okay.” Balthazar began slowly, wondering how best to approach this. “Well, it’s different for everyone but for me it was relatively simplistic really. I mean, I didn’t always know- I definitely though I was straight when I was younger but so do most people, I think. As I got older I never really got, like, ‘the hots’ or whatever, for any girls but there were definitely guys I sort of... admired? And um, then at a gig- my first gig actually, you remember how stoked I was to see The Globes? - anyway, so I’m there alone, because I’m just such a diehard fan and you all have shitty music tastes and I get talking to this guy and he’s cool and stuff but... er, well basically we ended up making out.”

He glanced up, trying to gage Pedro’s reaction, if he was vague enough he might not have to mention the time that a fifteen year old Pedro had used his legs as a backrest for an entire lunch and the way he’d had to tense up his knees the whole time to stop them from shaking. Balth needn’t have worried, Pedro had been nodding thoughtfully for the whole speech and hanging off Balthazar’s words as thought they were clues to his own personal mysteries.

“Anyway,” Balth continued. “It wasn’t like, earth shattering or anything. In fact, I’m pretty sure he was a heavy smoker, so that aspect was a bit gross. But I’d kissed this one girl before and I felt nothing, really, no offence to her. And _this_ kiss made me think, _‘oh okay, I get it now, this is what it feels like’_... you know? And then I really started to think about it and it made me realise that girls weren’t really er, for me.”

He glanced up at Pedro, who was bending his fingers back on Balth’s desk chair, a frown fogging his brow.

“Did that, um, help?”

“Yeah, yeah. Er, thanks. I guess it’s a little less clear cut for me. I mean, there’ve been guys I’ve gotten with- shit this is so weird to talk about, tell me if it’s too weird, aha.”

“No, it’s okay. Whatever you want to say.”

 “Well, okay. So I’ve been at least a little drunk for the vast majority, so it was easier to discount, initially. And I just kind of ignored them after and, like, pretended nothing had happened.”

“How charming.”

“Yeah, I know. Dick move and all... Then after the, I dunno, third? I got really freaked out because I sort of realised it was, er, something else. And I was worried I was gay, for a while- not because that’s not fine but like, I was worried I was too repressed or whatever to actually deal with it in my brain... I’m not making a lot of sense. Because I still like girls, like a lot, no less than before... but then Bea was round one summer and we were watching Game of Thrones and I realised I wasn’t, for sure.”

“Because of Natalie Dormer or because of Bea?”

“Shut uuup.”

“My apologies. Continue.”

“So, er. But then I also kind of thought maybe I was straight but I just... I dunno, had some weird stuff to deal with, I dunno. Ugh.”

“Not trying to tell you how to feel, buddy. But in my experience, if you often find yourself getting with guys, odds are you aren’t one hundred percent straight.”

“You’re so wise.”

“I know, I know. You don’t have to be one or the other, though. That’s a thing by the way? There’s term for it and everything.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m not totally ignorant. I’ve done some googling.”

“Oo-er.”

Pedro smiled to himself, it was the first time he’d felt genuinely relaxed in months.

“So,” Balthazar said, picking up a text book and pretending to recite from it, “In conclusion... you’re bi?”

“Er. Yeah.” Pedro nodded enthusiastically, “Yes. Bi. Good.” He grinned and added, “Sorry it wasn’t really a single question but it just feels so good to have someone to talk to about it.”

“Aw mate. I get it; it’s a big thing to keep bottled up. Have you not told anyone before?”

“No, I just get so, sort of, scared when I think about telling anyone, bro, I know it’s mostly irrational but... anyway, I’m glad you know.”

“I’m glad you felt you could tell me. I literally have no idea what I’d have done without Urs these past few years; she’s been such a rock.”

“Is she the only person you’ve told?”

“Well, I guess outright. Her and this one other guy I know from music.”

“Ooh, anyone I know?” Pedro chuckled, wiggling his eyebrows.

“You know I wouldn’t tell you if you did. Besides, we don’t speak anymore.”

“God. Well I feel out of the loop on this one.”

“Mmhmm. Anyway, it’s just you guys I’d tell and I figured you’d all guessed, it’s not like I’d announce it on twitter or anything.”

“You’d have to get a twitter first.”

“Very true.”

Pedro felt so ludicrously happy, this was massive, this was amazing and he could barely contain it. “Right so after all this hard work, I’d say we deserve some snacks. Shop?”

“Definitely.”

Pedro, grabbed their jackets off the hook by the front door and chucked Balth’s at him.

“Thanks for being a mate, Balthy.”

“Anytime, bro.”

Pedro felt almost light headed as he walked down the road, watching Balthazar’s hood flapping in the breeze. But the relief quickly gave way to tension when he saw some boys from the football team approaching them, there was nothing sinister or intimidating about them usually but Pedro felt his walls building up again as his shoulders rose.

“Balth,” he whispered quickly, “you won’t tell anyone, will you?”

Balthazar turned and gave him a sad sort of smile, “Of course not, mate.”

Pedro shot him a quick grin and then strode out to greet the guys “’Sup bros.”

Balthazar hung back a little, fiddling with the strings of his hoody and watching Pedro chat football with the guys. _It may not seem like a lot,_ he thought, _but it was so much for Pedro to say._ He caught himself sighing a second later, watching the way Pedro wet his lips as he smiled, _oh get a grip you idiot._


	2. The Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions are high in the aftermath of Hero's Birthday.

“Hey, Balthazar. Oi, Balth.”

Their teacher glanced up from the board in an attempt to find the source of the whispering.

“I know you can hear me.”

Balthazar kept his eyes fixed on the PowerPoint presentation, determined not to look back at Pedro. They hadn’t spoken since weekend catastrophe of Hero’s birthday and he still hadn’t worked out what he should say about it all.

He could sense Pedro get more agitated behind him and spun round when he felt a kick on the sole of his trainer.

“What?”

Pedro said nothing and just slid forward his text book **.** ** _W_** **a _l_ k ho _m_ e _w_ it _h m_ e?** was scrawled in the bottom corner under a diagram of the ozone.

Balthazar nodded, meeting Pedro’s eyes for the first time in a few days. 

When the lesson was over they fell into step next to each other, both enjoying the comfort of the other’s company, unwilling to break the silence and begin the serious conversation.

“Um.”

Balthazar stole an expectant glance a Pedro. Though he was still freaked out by Pedro’s recent behaviour, he felt bad for him. Pedro had a tendency to punish himself over the smallest of mistakes; a lost football game or a bad mark on an essay could turn into a week of moping and intense focus. It’s what made him so determined but it also made him vulnerable to his own flaws. Balthazar could only imagine the state his head was in now.

“So...” Balthazar nudged, waiting for the guilt ridden apology.

“So you’re talking to me now?”

“I... what?!”

“You’ve been avoiding me. You’ve barely spoken to me since Saturday, you’ve not replied to my texts. I mean, you totally blanked me last lesson and where have you been going at lunch? What’s going on?”

Balthazar could only splutter; this was not what he’d been expecting at all. There was so much wrong with what Pedro was saying that he didn’t know what to address first. He opted for the thing that stung most.

“You’re a real fucking hypocrite, you know, Pedro.”

That shut him up. Balthazar tried not to feel too pleased with the stunned look on Pedro’s face as he continued.

“Avoiding _you_? That’s a bit rich isn’t it? You’re the one who’s been _busy_ for weeks! Too busy to hang out, to come over but you’ve obviously got enough time to stalk the girls and talk about everyone behind their backs!”

“No... I...”

“And you’ve been acting exactly the same in school, sitting next to me like nothing's different but you can’t bring yourself to actually be _alone_ with me. What? Are you afraid I’m going to jump on you or something? I mean, I get it if you don’t... I get it. But you can’t keep acting like there’s something... and then making it out to be a big joke, okay? Because it’s not just me, it’s not me being weird and over thinking everything. You know there’s...” He glanced up at Pedro, searching his eyes for that little glint that always gave him hope but it wasn’t there today. “...something.”

Balthazar trailed off. They’d stopped walking now and were standing on the road where their paths home split. The adrenaline from his outburst was running out and Balth could feel his face growing red. He turned to go but Pedro grabbed his wrist and pulled him back, they were so close Balthazar could feel Pedro’s breath on his cheek.

“Is this about the song, bro?” Pedro began, still gripping Balth’s wrist. “Because I had no idea-”

Balthazar let out a sharp laugh. “Bullshit. You’re not stupid Pedro. Well, maybe selectively, when it suits you, when it’s easier.”

“That’s not fair.”

“You want to be fair? Let go of my arm.”

Pedro dropped Balth’s wrist and they stood there for a moment. Nose to nose, with the sound of their breathing strangely intensified. Pedro found himself leaning closer still as he broke eye contact for a second to study the rest of his friends face; the slightly flared nostrils, a dimple on his cheek, the fine, light hairs on his upper lip, the teeth framed by his parted lips-

“Bye Pedro.”

And then he was gone. And the air around Pedro was cold and still again.

“Oh, fuck.” He breathed.

 


	3. The Shame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Balthazar tries to patch things up after Hero's vigil but it doesn't go exactly to plan.

The weeks after Hero’s birthday were difficult for everyone. The core of the group was scattered and no-one really understood where they were meant to be.

Bea and Ben had banded together to defend Hero and the strength of their new alliance had separated Ben from the boys. Ursula and Meg had gravitated towards them, though Meg had retreated into herself a lot but the others hoped this was only a temporary glitch in her usual vibrancy.

Balthazar didn’t know what to do with himself. He’d spent a bit of time with Bea and Ben but the whole dynamic of the gang felt damaged and emotionally charged. As a distraction he’d thrown himself into music and that, combined with the mounds of coursework deadlines fast approaching, had kept his mind busy enough not to think about the state of his friendship with Pedro.

 

They hadn’t spoken since the week after Hero’s and Balthazar was pretty distraught with how they’d left everything. This was the longest they’d gone without speaking and he was beginning to wonder whether they’d ever be able to regain what they had.

 No matter how much he missed Pedro something was preventing him from reaching out to him. Every time his eyes found Pedro’s slumped figure across a classroom or in the crowd of footballers he’d started hanging round with, he made sure he looked away before Pedro could see. Maybe this was inevitable. School was drawing to a close and soon he wouldn’t see Pedro that much anyway. In a way, this year had been their last hurrah. Balthazar knew he wasn’t going to be able to get rid of his feelings for Pedro if they kept in as close contact as they were now. He couldn’t stand the idea of a future where he had to hear about who Pedro was dating and mask his guilty bitterness with a grin. These past few years had been bad enough but it’s not like he could help that. Balthazar had promised himself that when he went to University all of this pathetic behaviour would end; he would move on. And if only seeing Pedro at Christmas and reunions was the price he had to pay for his own happiness then he would just have to bear it.

 

The vigil had helped heal some wounds but everything was far from back to normal. There was still a lot of anger (mostly on Beatrice’s part) and pain to get past before they could all be comfortable with one another again.

Balthazar was walking out of the music rooms after a late practice when he saw Pedro sitting on a bench with his head resting in his hands. He couldn’t bring himself to walk away, something about his friend was vulnerable- broken, even and in that moment Balthazar realized didn’t care about punishing Pedro anymore, he just wanted to stop him from suffering.

“Hey.” He murmured, sitting down beside Pedro.

Pedro glanced up, he looked so stricken and there were dark circles under his eyes but a broad smile spread across his face when he saw who was next to him.

“Oh, Balth.” He gave a sobbing sort of laugh and slouched down, leaning his head onto Balthazar’s chest. “I’ve royally fucked up, haven’t I?”

 Balthazar was startled by this level of contact and he tried to ignore the way his arm easily draped over Pedro, pulling them closer.

“Well, er, pretty much but you know, acceptance is the first step.”

“I really thought everything was fine. That I was doing okay. But it turns out I’m just kind of a horrible, shit person.”

“Nah, you’re alright. We can sort this.”

“Really? You think Bea’s ever going to look at me the same? Do you think anyone’s going to want to trust me? _My own brother_ was there, for years, hurting, feeling alone and I should have seen it, I could have _done something_ but I just let it get worse and worse because that’s the sort of unfeeling shithead I am! I knew he wasn’t happy, that he didn’t fit in but I didn’t do _anything_.”

Pedro buried his head in the front of Balthazar’s jumper.

“Shhh now, it’s okay. You’re okay,” Cooed Balth. He curled his arm round and gently weaved his fingers into Pedro’s hair, trying not to notice the dizzy, sick feeling flowing through him.

 “I said some really terrible things,” Mumbled Pedro into Balthazar’s chest. “I think...on some level I didn’t really want him to belong here. God, I’m such a bastard.”

“Nah, don’t say that, mate.”

Pedro drew his head back and stared at his friend.

“Why are you even giving me the time of day? I’ve hardly been great to you either.”

Balthazar smiled nervously, not knowing how to reply.

 _Because I’m pretty much in love with you?_  
_Because not speaking to you for a month has been the worst thing ever?  
_ _Because you make me feel so happy and I’m terrified of losing you?_

Balthazar didn’t know if Pedro saw all this in his expression but he certainly became suddenly aware of how close they were, not that Pedro seemed to mind. In fact it was almost the opposite, he rested his hand on the shoulder of the arm Balth had around him, intertwining their arms in the process, and all the while looking up at him with questioning, keen eyes. And then, in a moment of giddy, brave stupidity, Balthazar leant down and pressed his face to Pedro’s, lightly kissing the space just above his mouth. In response to this he felt the hand on his shoulder tighten as Pedro’s mouth tentatively pulled at his top lip and for a few seconds all that existed was the hot breath between them and the sound of the blood rushing in their ears.

 

 

Somewhere in the school a door slammed and loud, excited chatter shattered the intimacy of the moment. Balthazar felt the hand on his shoulder pushing him away and by the time he’d opened his eyes Pedro was standing by the school gate, with his back turned. Balthazar wanted to call after him but what was there to say? A group of young girls in netball kits energetically pushed through the exit; they were what had startled Pedro but they ignored the older boys and seemed more interested in laughing at the story one of them was telling.

Balthazar sank back and watched the tension in Pedro’s back and the way his fists were balled up. Usually the outline of Pedro’s shoulders was quite a privately, pleasant sight but now it sort of made him want to cry. His friend made aimed an angry kick at a nearby wall before stalking out of school.

_So much for making him feel better._

 


	4. The Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are pretty intense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You take your life in your hands with this chapter. Lots of swearing and v steamy at points so- you have been warned.

It took the changing light for Balthazar to realise he’d been sat on the bench for far too long. He was opting between trying to suppress the memory of what had just happened and trying to untangle it in his mind into some sort of manageable conclusion. All he had gotten so far was _well, that was fucking terrible._

He grabbed his back pack and trudged out of school, pausing to stick in his headphones and roll his eyes at the rain. The main pang in the jumble of emotions in his gut was guilt. The same guilt he’d felt at fourteen in the boys changing rooms if he failed to subtly focus on the wall the entire time. But he wasn’t fourteen anymore and he didn’t want to feel this helpless, this saddened by the otherness that he’d grown to enjoy.

When he turned the corner to his house he did a double take at the figure sitting on his doorstep but it was too late to turn around; he’d been spotted.

“’ thought it would be a bit presumptuous to let myself in.” Sniffed Pedro, handing Balthazar the keys he’d gotten from under the flower pot. His face was red and blotchy and it was pretty evident that he’d been crying.

Balthazar just nodded, and unlocked the door. He’d anticipated at least a day and a half of moping before he would have to speak to Pedro again; this evening had already been reserved for lying forlornly on his bed and listening to Ben Howard _._ Who did Pedro think he was? Coming here and interrupting his dramatics, tsk.

“Er, can I get you any...” Began Balthazar but Pedro was already through the kitchen and heading upstairs. Granted, they rarely spent anytime outside of Balthazar’s room when Pedro came over but it wasn’t exactly neutral territory in the circumstances.

“What are... er, why are you here? Mate.” Asked Balthazar when he’d caught up. Pedro was pacing back and forth in his room like a sick tiger, occasionally wiping his nose on his bare arm. He didn’t take his eyes off the carpet.

“It’s so quiet at home.” He said, simply.

“Oh.”

“Mum and Dad will be out looking for John. And it’s not like anyone else wants to see me...”

“You’re lucky I’m so weak willed then.”

Pedro looked up at that, his face creased with confusion.

“No, no, no.” He shook his head, still sniffing and walked over to Balthazar who was stood by the ajar door.

“You,” he said earnestly, “it's you.”

And without a moment’s hesitation he leaned in and caught Balthazar’s open mouth with his own.

It took Balthazar a second to respond as the floor had suddenly spun out from under him but he clung to the front of Pedro’s shirt for balance. Pedro pawed at Balthazar’s hip, his arm snaking round to the small of his back, pulling them together.

It was a desperate kiss from Pedro’s side, filled with a wild sense of abandonment. Here, in the safety of his friend’s room, he was able to express all the thoughts and fears that had been pent up inside him for years. It was a call and response, with Balthazar’s tentative reply forming a comfortable rhythm to Pedro’s.

Pedro leant further forward eagerly and Balthazar tripped back into the door, causing it to slam loudly.

“Mmmppgh.” He yelped into Pedro’s lips, which only drove Pedro on more.

“No... door handle...”

Pedro’s hand moved up Balthazar’s back to the place where he’d bashed it and together they stumbled and fell back onto Balthazar’s bed.

 _What is actually happening?????_ thought Balthazar, as his mind and stomach looped around in opposite directions. Pedro was on top of him now, basically crushing him but he barely noticed. Focusing more on the burning sensation where their skin met.

“Never knew you were so fucking heavy.” Balthazar chuckled but Pedro appeared not to have heard and with the new change of angle Balthazar could feel a few straggler tears clinging to his friends eyelashes. Before he could comment on this, however, Pedro’s hand was inside his shirt, pushing it up, his fingers splaying over his stomach.

 _Oh my fucking god_ was all he was able to compute before the sensation ricocheted through him and he breathed out an embarrassingly loud groan.

Pedro was retreating from him now, first kissing his neck, nuzzling at his jaw line, then moving to his collarbone and further down until his lips were brushing against Balthazar’s jutted hips and kissing his stomach.

Though this new feeling was equally as distracting as kissing Pedro, not having to actually do anything allowed Balthazar a moment’s reflection. He stole a glance at Pedro; the blotchiness of his face had only been worsened by the overzealous make-out session and there was something so despairingly broken in his eyes that reminded Balthazar of some of his earlier romantic experiences- just as terrifying as they were invigorating. How could they be so physically close but Pedro be so distant? He had dreamt about this, _actual dreams_ that left him feeling guilty and weird and sad.  But this was a new low. It was when Pedro began to fumble with the button of Balthazar’s jeans that he knew it was time to put an end to it.

 “Hey, Pedro... look you’re really upset okay... let’s just...” It took all of Balthazar’s strength, both physically and mentally, to pull his legs (that had inexplicably stopped functioning) from under Pedro.

“Sorry.”

“No. I’m sorry. You’re literally crying, I shouldn’t have-”

“Sorry, I should go.”

“No, please. Stay. Have some tea or something.”

“Sure.”

Balthazar stumbled downstairs, leaving Pedro alone, to mull darkly.

 

 

Balthazar was so lost in thought that he failed to notice the hubbub in the kitchen and nearly tripped over a shopping bag as he walked in.

“Mum! Hey! Wh- when did you get in?”

Balthazar’s mum smiled as she poured out some tea for her and Rosa.

“Only a couple of minutes, it’s been a very long day. Hasn’t it dear?”

“Mmm,” Rosa murmured from the corner, not looking up from her phone.

“Tea?”

“Yeah. Great, er, Pedro’s here, so one for him too.”

“Lovely. How is he?"

"Er, fine."

"It’s good he’s got you, dear. Especially now, I always said you were a good team, you know: You’re a thinker, he’s a doer.”

Rosa snorted loudly.

“Whatever you say, Mum,” Balthazar murmured, shooting his sister a deathly glare.

Any luck with John?”

“Er, no.”

“Oh, the poor boys the both of them. You’d never run off would you? Either of you?”

“No, mum,” Chorused the Jones children.

“Oh, Stanley, love, you’re fly’s undone.”

Balthazar went red as Rosa choked in an attempt to turn her hysterics into a cough.

“Oh, er, yeah. Has it been like that all day, hmmm.”

Rosa was cackling now, “Sorry,” she panted, “just... this thing... ahahha... on facebook...this guy’s just making a complete tit- sorry mum, making a fool of himself, ahaha.”

“How lovely, Rosa.”

 

 

It took about half an hour and two cups of tea before Balthazar could get away from his mum’s round up of her day. By the time he returned to his room he found Pedro fast asleep, curled up in a ball on his bed.

That only made Balthazar feel more guilty. So not only was Pedro confused, alone and upset, he was also exhausted. Brilliant. Balthazar pulled the balled up duvet from the bottom of his bed and tucked Pedro in, trying not to think about how tranquil and small he looked- the bloody guilt again.

Balthazar sat as his desk and began an essay but Pedro’s presence seemed to have rendered his mind incapable of human thought. So instead he sat down beside him (outside the duvet) and attempted to figure out the chord pattern for a song he’d heard the day before.

He'd finished noting down the notes for one song and had moved on to practicing the piece he'd written for Hero when Pedro finally began to rouse.

“Mmm, that’s pretty.” Murmured Pedro, snuggling into him.

Balthazar enjoyed the two seconds  of comforting warmth before Pedro remembered everything that had happened.

“Shit!” Pedro was up and out of the bed, “I should go. God, Jesus, _fuck!_ How long have I been out for?”

“About two hours.”

“Shit, I really need to go; my parents will be going spare.” Pedro was frowning, unable to look him in the eye. It was a strange situation to be in with someone who'd literally had their hands on your boxers a few hours previously.

“Mum rang them, said you were asleep and that she’d drop you home later.”

“Oh, phew. Great. They’re so worried I’m gonna... you know.”

“Yeah.”

“Still, I should go.”

Balthazar nodded.

“Er, Balth, are we okay?”

“I... think so?”

“Because I am so, _so_ sorry, I was so out of line all I seem to do lately is fuck up.” He was getting choked up again.

“No, Pedro. Shut up. Stop apologising. Okay? You don’t need to apologise to me.”

“Sorry, shit.”

“Just let me say something, yeah?”

Pedro nodded; he sat down solemnly at the end of the bed, far from Balthazar, looking as though he wanted the floor to swallow him up.

“I don’t want,” Balthazar began, “to make you feel you have to do or _feel_ or _be_ anything you don’t want to. I’m still going to be in your life whatever, you’re my friend and you will be for a lot longer, hopefully. So don’t think this is some sort of... ultimatum, you don’t have to... to do this to keep me around.” He was aware that he’d gone back on everything he’d promised himself about Pedro but if he was being honest, that was all comforting bravado, he was never going to be able to let Pedro go willingly and he knew it.

“But I _do_ want this.” Pedro argued in frustration. “For fuck’s sake why does nobody believe me? Can’t I know my own mind!?”

“I do believe you, it’s just- wait, what do you mean? Who did you tell?”

“...My dad.”

“Shit.”

“That’s about the lay of it.”

“Not great then?”

“He was so... dismissive? It made him so obviously uncomfortable and he just said it was something to ‘discuss’ when John got back, like I was being selfish even bringing it up.”

“Fuck.”

“And I know they’re worried about John, I’m worried about him too! But maybe the reason he left and the reason everything got so fucked up is that we never talk about things and maybe it’d be nice for him to come back to a house where we actually _know_ each other! And I said all of this to Dad and he got all defensive and said I didn’t understand- that it was complicated. And _I know_ it’s complicated but I don’t know completely because we _never fucking talk about anything!_ Like, I don’t even know which bit of England John grew up in, or anything about his mum. It was just ‘oh here’s your brother. Be nice. Don’t ask questions.’ And I really tried. I did! But I fucked up with John and I want to make things better for him. For everyone.”

“Oh, Pedro.”

 “And I don’t think Dad get’s how much of this is on him, you know. Like, no wonder we can’t _fucking_ deal with our problems. No wonder John thought cheating was the worst thing ever and the thing that’d get the best reaction from me. Hasn’t he been made to feel it every day he’s lived here?”

“How did you leave it with your dad?”

“He stormed out when I said that at least I had it in me to be honest about who I was sleeping with.”

“Wow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of hate this chapter but also no? Any feedback would be appreciated, thanks for reading x


	5. The Low Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ursula catches up.

Balthazar clicked shut his guitar case in succession to sound of the fall of the latch on his door and began disentangling Ursula’s fairy lights from his amp cables. Ursula slipped quietly back into the room, waiting, silently preparing a deconstruction of what had just occurred. Balthazar almost felt her eyes burning into his back and laughed to himself, enjoying the rare feeling of knowing something she didn’t.

“Balthazar.”

He smiled and turned to face her.

“Yeah?”

“Balthazar Jones.”

He picked up his case and returned it to its place in the corner, grinning now.

“Stanley Balthazar Jones.”

“My names really boring don’t you think?” He mused, ignoring her and falling back onto his bed. “Maybe I should change the last one? Something Italian? Liven it up a bit-”

“Shut up please. What’s going on?”

Balthazar sat up and raised an eyebrow. “I have no idea what you mean?”

“Oh don’t act all coy. Shall I go run and get Pedro back here? See how nonchalant you are then?”

Balthazar chuckled but stopped abruptly, judging by the look on Ursula’s face this was a very real threat.

“Fine, chill out. We’re good now, it’s all cool again.”

“All cool?” She questioned, settling down beside him. “Same as before?”

“I...yeah. Christ Urs.”

“Because I’ve always felt like a bit of a third wheel with you guys but that recording session really took the biscuit... and he was _slightly_ too European in his goodbyes for you to be just ‘cool’.”

“Fine... Stuffs happened. It’s different. Happy now?”

“Yes, very. Talking stuff?”

Balthazar tilted his head to the side and fixed his gaze on the molecular structure poster on his ceiling.

“More than talking stuff?”

He raised an eyebrow.

“Well then. That’s... I’m not surprised per say but I-”

“I don’t know if he wants anyone to know Urs. I don’t know if he’d want us chatting about it.”

“You’ve not told me anything that wasn’t already blindingly obvious; if he thought I was clueless I hope he’d have put more effort into not staring at you for the entirety of the recording.”

Balthazar just snorted. Pedro’s stares since the events of last week could go from unabashed admiration to lidded concern in a matter of seconds; he’d given up trying to read them.

“Things are going to be different, I think.” Balthazar murmured, trying not to allow uncertainty to bleed into his speech.

“Good different?”

Balthazar shrugged, so much was different now; Bea and Ben; Hero; Claudio; John and Pedro. He'd begun to feel like anything was possible but maybe he'd just allowed himself to get caught up in the recent turmoil? Maybe writing those songs with Bea and Ben had filled him with too much hope for unexpected romance? He envied the way they'd suddenly found themselves in love. Surely it should be simpler to go to dating from friends than from enemies, but Balthazar wasn't so much of an idealist that he didn't understand the other issues at play here. This change was probably going to be a step too far for Pedro.

“I dunno Urs. It’s like we’ve crossed this line, or we’re about to... or something. Anyway, there’s a line and I don’t know if it can be uncrossed and it’s freaking me out a bit.”

He felt a smack on his arm. “You are ridiculous. Honestly, the guy you have liked for... well, let’s be honest, far too long for a normal person to like anyone, not only has the _capability_ to like you back but also shows signs of being keen and you’re _freaked out?_ He’s your best mate, Balth. What could be simpler? Make a move. Be happy.”

“That’s just the thing isn’t it?” Balthazar sighed, “It’s such an embarrassingly big deal for me and he knows that. I wrote him a song for fucks sake, little late to play it cool there, Balthazar. That’s a lot of pressure on him.”

“How is it pressure? You hang out, you make-out, and you know all each others’ family crap. You’re pretty much dating anyway.”

It was a nice idea, that you could fall into dating someone almost by accident and escape the weird formality but Balthazar was less hopeful.

“You remember what I was like? When I first told you? About being gay, that is.”

“Balth, it’s not the same. You were way younger.”

“Remember how long it took to even get to the point of considering dating guys? Like, yeah, there were guys but I couldn’t imagine a relationship or a future with anyone.”

“Because you were so smitten with Pedro.”

“Hmm, maybe but I think most of it was fear. It’s huge; to go from ‘oh, I guess Zac Efron’s hot’, to ‘I’ll take some guy home to my family’. Most people I know took a while to date once they knew, unless it was with someone really incredible. It's all brand new to him, it could easily get fucked up and I dunno if it's worth risking... us. Pedro’s dealing with so much home shit as well; maybe we should just be friends for now, until it all calms down?”

“Balthazar, not to be rude but Pedro isn’t fifteen year old you. For starters he’s got a better dress sense... just and I’m not sure he’s that keen on Zac Efron. But he’s also dated before, he’s more self assured, he’s so much more ready than you were.”

“You think?”

“Yeah, stop over thinking this. Or maybe talk to him? Wouldn’t hurt.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Balthazar's phone started to buzz and he rolled across his bed to check it. A short text from Pedro made him far happier than he was able to admit.

“And hey," Ursular said, smiling in turn at her friend's elation, "I think he might want you now. You are pretty incredible, pal.”

“Cheers, Urs.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the break, things have been pretty hectic. Thanks for the lovely comments on the last one. x


	6. The Picnic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pedro struggles to move forward.

A loud string of guitar chords forced their way into Pedro’s semi-conscious mind. They wrapped around the back of his brain and bashed into his eyelids. They dried out his mouth and whooshed into the pit of his stomach, swirling back and forth in a nauseous dance.

“Nuuurrgh. Knock it off, will you...” He groaned without opening his eyes, and rolled back onto his side.

The riff played again; more insistent this time and far more irritating.

“Huh, what...” Pedro’s arm clumsily swung out, grasping for his phone, “Oh _shut uuuup..._ ”

He shut off the alarm and rubbed his eyes, letting out a noise that was half laugh, half whine. The sound bite wasn’t Balthazar, (though Pedro had been tempted to set one of his songs as something) he’d opted for the generic guitar tune provided by his phone as a weird, sort of, compromise with himself; something Balthy-esque but not quite stalker level. Now he just felt grumpy and head-achy.

He kicked back the duvet and glanced around his room in search of some clean clothes but his room was currently busy being an artistic representation of his life; a great big mess he didn’t want to deal with.

He trudged downstairs, past John’s incredibly neat, empty room and found his parents already up and eating breakfast, silent but for the occasional clinking of spoons against mugs. This had become their normality since John left, not that John had ever really been a big talker. Pedro couldn’t stand to be around them; the paragraphs of unsaid words spilling into every corner of their lives. He grabbed an apple from the bowl and headed for the door.

“Where are you off to so early?” His Mum pressed.

“Out.”

“Peter...” His Dad’s tone was dripping with silent warning.

Pedro turned and forced a smile that got nowhere near his eyes, which he’d locked on his Dad, in a falsely breezy voice said, “I’m going to Balthazar’s. There’s a picnic. I’ll be back by seven I have my phone. His home number’s in the book. See you later.”

As the door swung shut Pedro caught a glimpse of the sad, furrowed brows of his parents. He took a huge bite of the apple, choking on the sourness of it and throwing the rest away into a hedge. He felt sick.

 

 

Balthazar’s house was a far happier home than Pedro’s at the moment. He’d been going there almost every day this week and was becoming more confident that he hadn’t entirely ruined their friendship. Most of the time they just studied or walked the Jones’ dog through the fields, though now and then they’d brush shoulders or Balthazar’s face would look so carefree mid-laugh and a little jolt in Pedro’s stomach would remind him just how complicated everything had become.

“Morning Jones’!”

“Morning Pedro!” Replied Balth’s Mum and sister, from the kitchen table.

“Balth up?”

“Some movement I believe,” said Rosa, through a mouthful of egg bap, “He might need a bit of a kick though- BALTHAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!”

“Ahah, I’ll get him, no worries.”

 He was already feeling better as he climbed upstairs and knocked on Balthazar’s door.

“Yeah, hang on Mum. You seen my belt anywhere? And that shirt is it drying or...?”

“Not your mum actually,” Pedro grinned pushing open the door. “I can go have a hunt for that shirt if you like though...?”

“Err shit, heeey.” Balthazar panicked, quickly re-buttoning his shirt and accidentally spraying deodorant on his hair in an attempting to appear nonchalant. “No worries, the one I’ve got on will do. You um, you’re early.”

Pedro shrugged. “Home’s... you know how it is.”

“...Yeah.”

Balthazar blinked at him, big shining eyes that could see inside his head. It was almost as if every time Balth looked at him the world became blurred, he barely knew where he was, and cared even less. His vision was Balthazar’s eyes, his head a dull thumping and all he could hear was his own laborious attempts to steady his breathing against the rushing of his pulse.

Pedro shook himself, gulped down the lump in his throat and ran a hand through his hair, “That breakfast smells amazing.”

“Yeah, I’ll er, get us some,” nodded Balthazar, who appeared to be having some focussing issues of his own.

As if on cue Balthazar’s mum called up to them; “Last bit of bacon boys.”

“Dibs.” Shouted Pedro, racing back downstairs.

“Um, no.” Balthazar yelled, chasing after him. “My house, my rules, my food.”

“My food actually,” corrected Balth’s mum.

“Hey, no! I totally called it” laughed Pedro grabbing the roll, “Wait no, okay, okay, you can have it, ahaha. You can have it if you can reach it” He held it above his head, pushing Balthazar away as he jumped.

“This is so undignified.” Balthazar complained, grabbing hold of Pedro’s wrists, trying to grapple his breakfast out of them. “Stop using my height against me.”

“Well, stop disrespecting the laws of dibs.” Pedro grinned, moving his arms up behind his back so that Balthazar was pulled closer to his face.

“Yeah, whatever. Deal. Give me the roll you shit.” Balthazar dipped his head forward ever so slightly so that his nose just brushed Pedro’s.

“Yeah sure, here you go... oh wait,” Pedro bit his lip before taking an enormous bite of the roll, “Much better, mmm, mmmmmmm.”

Balthazar snorted and took a bite himself, “Prick.”

“Nah, you love it.”

There it was again. A not-quite-uncomfortable silence whilst the world blurred around them.

“ _Ahem_.” Coughed Balthazar’s mum quietly.

 

 

The picnic went far better than Balthazar had expected and the arrival of John had definitely improved Pedro’s mood but the day was drawing to a close by the time he managed to get Pedro alone again.

 “Hey, what’re you smiling at?” asked Balthazar, sitting down beside him.

Pedro put down his phone and sat back on his hands. “Guess who just turned up at home?”

“Tough question,” Balthazar raised an eyebrow, “I have absolutely no idea.”

“Mum’s nearly crying. I’m going to have to get back in a minute for the reunion.”

 “And you? How do you feel about it all?”

“So fucking relieved.”

Balthazar grinned and leant back on his arms, lightly resting against Pedro. He wanted to kiss him again, out in the open, like Bea and Ben had been doing all afternoon. Well, maybe not quite like that.

He followed Pedro’s gaze across to where the couple were laughing and squabbling in the grass and frowned sadly at the look on his face.

“And that?” He asked, bracing himself. “How do you feel about that?”

Pedro sighed, drawing his eyes away from the happy couple.

“They were good songs you know... I mean, Ben’s was.... heartfelt. But they were good, good of you to help.”

Balthazar shrugged.

“They’re my best friends; I want them to be happy.”

Balthazar nodded.

“I’m just pissed at myself, I guess.” Pedro ventured quickly, “I been so fucking blind _and_ selfish _and_ stupid. I thought I was always being _so_ kind, doing what was best for everyone, making people happy. But I guess I cared more about what everyone thought than how I actually behaved, I just don’t want to lose sight of it all again, forget what’s important, you know? I got so used to pretending I was this other version of myself, not thinking about things, that I just let myself believe everything was fine. I’ve never really understood describing people as _‘genuine’_ before, like, obviously, how can you not be? But I think I get it now? I want to be genuinely me...whatever the fuck that is...Like, you, writing those songs with them; that was nice, not telling people, not laughing about it; that’s nice.” Pedro shook his head and leaned onto Balthazar’s shoulder. “You don’t give a shit what anyone thinks but you’re still so fucking nice.”

Balthazar laughed, “That’s not really true. Besides, those songs were personal; obviously I’m not going to _laugh_ at them.”

There was a silence as Pedro drew back his head and scratched his eyebrow distractedly.

 _Oh, shit._ Thought Balthazar.

“Pedro, I didn’t-”

“I don't know why I did that, Balth," He said quietly. "I really don’t deserve any of you guys.” 

“Listen, I'm over it okay," He watched forlornly as Pedro gathered his things. "No, please don’t... don't go.”

Pedro rubbed his eyes, the exhaustion of all his failures weighing heavy upon him.

“Nah, I should go, before I ruin everything again. Go see John and play happy families, maybe there’s something I can salvage there.”

“Pedro,” Balthazar stood up to face him, “Don’t run away again.”

Pedro couldn’t bring himself to meet his friend’s eye because he knew if he did he’d forget about everything; about how much he’d fucked up, how much he needed to change, how much he hated himself, and he couldn’t afford to let all that go, it wasn’t fair to Balthazar or to anyone.

“I really am sorry.” He offered; giving the other’s a token wave as he left.

Balthazar shook his head and wondered if Pedro would ever get that he was an ordinary, complex human and not a ridiculous, overly ambitious title.


	7. The Apology Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That standard post-one-foot-in-everything chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol what is this

_“Hey, Pedro. Can we talk?”_

Balthazar ducked back against the wall and studied the Dukes’ ceiling. He’d waited for years; he could wait a little longer.

“Yeah, of course Bea. I, er,” Balthazar could almost see the cogs turning in Pedro’s brain as he glanced over at him, mouth opening and closing, “Could we... maybe a little later? We need to talk I know but...I’m sort of in the middle of something...”

It took a few moments of Pedro’s eyes flitting between her and Balthazar for Beatrice to get the message. “Oh. Oh! Sure, yeah...” She shot Balthazar a concerned look and pursed her lips, “See you in a bit then.”

Pedro nodded and continued down the stairs, gesturing for Balth to follow. They didn’t speak until they were secluded under a tree in the Dukes’ back garden. The adrenaline from what had just occurred was still fizzing around inside Pedro and he was glad that his shaky hands and flushed faced were indistinguishable in the darkness, as it was he could just make out the contours of Balthazar’s face and hair in the moonlight.

“Sooooo...” Balthazar nudged, sidling up beside Pedro.

“Sooo...”

“Cat’s out the bag, then.”

“Head’s out the sand.”

“Bees in the trap.”

“All of the analogies... Speaking of bees; a little birdy, couple of big annoying birdies actually, mentioned you had a _absolutely massive_ crush on me...”

Balthazar chuckled, “Bea’s gonna have the shock of her life when she talks to Ben. She thinks you’re out here breaking my soul into little pieces.”

“Yeah,” Pedro sighed, raising his eyebrows and spacing out for a second, “.... she’s going to be surprised...”

“You are okay with this, yeah? I know you wanted to be more... to let people know...”

“Yeah, I am. I’m glad they know. Despite shitting up most other things, being bi is actually something I’m pretty confident in now.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, its chill, you know. I mean, my Dad’s been kind of a dick but maybe I’ll just bring some hot guy home for dinner and then he’ll have to believe me.” He laughed at how ahead of himself he was getting, _baby steps Pedro_.

“Oh yeah,” Balthazar turned his head towards him and raised an eyebrow, “Anyone in mind?”

“How into to me was Tony again?” Pedro said with a smirk.

“Well, which one?”

Pedro snorted and shook his head, intensely aware of pins and needles in his side where Balthazar’s arm rested against him.

“Okay...” Enough dancing around it, now was time for the serious talk. He needed to know if they were on the same page.

Balthazar took a deep breath and waited for him to continue.

“So... feel free to say no because I’ve not been the most reliable person lately and I’d totally understand if-”

“Get to the point, mate.” Balthazar said pointedly, exhaling loudly in Pedro’s direction.

“Right, er...” Pedro blithered, rubbing a tingling hand over the back of his neck, “Would you want to, maybe, hang out sometime?”

Balthazar couldn’t hold back his laughter at the ridiculousness of the question. “Hang out? What, you want to come over and play Xbox and eat pizza?”

“No, um. Like a date.”

Balthazar’s laughter stopped abruptly. He was thankful for the concealing darkness that shielded Pedro from his unashamed euphoria.

“Oh, really?” Balthazar tried to play it cool. “Hmmm, sell it to me.”

“Little late to play hard to get but whatever,” muttered Pedro, “Right, so we’d go to like... the cinema? And get popcorn and stuff? And we could go to gigs? Even the weird ones you go to. And I guess, get food? There’s that new noodle place in town? The one Bea and Ben went to...”

“Oh, so we’re going to take relationship cues from Team Blessed?”

“Well, I think we’re a lot less likely to be caught dry humping in the reading room.”

Balthazar laughed and then simultaneously they mimicked the reedy voice of their old librarian; “ _Never have I been so disgusted in my entire career... Utter disdain for literature... Animals!”_

They descended into hysterics for a moment and when Balthazar was nearly crying with laughter he choked out, “That story is probably the best and worst thing to come out of this entire situation. Well, second best maybe...”

 Pedro smiled and continued, “And then after a while, if it worked out we could be like, you know...”

“Boyfriends?”

“Yeah.” Pedro said the word as though he were chewing it over, imagining introductions and implications and new beginnings; “Boyfriends.”

Balthazar was still grinning but he held back for a moment.

“And what if it doesn't work out?”

Pedro shrugged, “Well... I guess I’ll just have gotten to spend a lot of time with my favourite person.”

He reached over and rested his hand on the back of his friend’s neck.

“Shit,” Balthazar let out a ragged breath and grabbed his own arm to steady himself, “At the risk of sounding _incredibly_ gay... I can’t believe this is actually happening. To me. Now. In real life.”

“I know,” Pedro beamed, unhooking Balthazar’s arms from each other and entwining them in his own. “Reckon you could get used to it though?”

“Yeah, I think I could handle that.” Balthazar leaned in, pressing against Pedro’s chest.

They stood there, their breathing a warm, steady rise and fall against the cool night air. When it seemed neither had anything else to say Balthazar glanced up at Pedro, trying to find his eyes in the darkness. He pressed a small kiss onto his lips and nuzzled their faces together. Pedro compliantly opened his mouth and ran his tongue along Balthazar’s bottom lip as his hands released their hold and crept round his waist to smooth over the back of his blazer.

Balthazar was kissing more eagerly now, pulling Pedro towards him by the back of his neck and running his hands through the short part of his hair. Pedro responded with a small shudder and suddenly wished they were somewhere other than a family friend's garden.

The outside light suddenly blinked on, blinding after the relative darkness and Balthazar gently shoved Pedro against the shielded side of the tree, untangling them in the process.

 “Hey, what?” Pedro asked, bewildered by the sudden loss of contact.

“Listen, man. Your whole family’s here. Getting walked in on by your nearest and dearest is probably not the most dignified way to come out to them.” He bent forward and pressed a few hard kisses along Pedro’s collarbone, mouth and forehead before grabbing his hand and dragging him back towards the house.

In the light they observed each other and smirked. They smoothed down their mussed hair and disheveled clothes but decided to not even attempt to deal with the redness around their mouths.

Balthazar dropped Pedro’s hand and opened the door for him, smiling more widely than his friend had ever seen.

“Come on”, he nudged playfully, “I’ve got a gig to prep for and you’ve got to talk to Bea.”

“Life moves swiftly on, eh.”

“Yeah, things aren’t going to be _so_ different now.”

“Nah,” Pedro agreed, then in a mock serious tone added, “but we’re going to go on dates.”

Balthazar nodded and shoved Pedro inside before he started kissing him again.

Pedro stuck his head out the door one last time. “I’ll call you then.” He laughed, winking at him.

“Yeah, yeah...” Balthazar watched his friend stumble back into the party and beamed, because maybe things were going to be different now but if that meant he had constant access to the ecstatic stream of contentment pooling in his stomach, he was willing to go to this new place with Pedro. And judging by the near drunken, care free look on Pedro's face, he was similarly hopeful.

 

 


End file.
